7 Months Home- Update

Yosef and Mihret have been home with our family for 7 months now! It's funny how sloooowwwwlllyyy time crept by during out 18 months of waiting for them and how quickly time is passing now that our heart's desire has been granted. During our awful wait for them to come home, my heart was more broken than anything I'd ever experienced. But even in the midst of it, I knew that I would look back with thankfulness for the things God was showing me. Sure enough. While it was not something that I ever want to go through again, I am thankful that God allowed it. Like all things in life, that time shaped me tremendously. It shaped our entire family tremendously, including Yosef and Mihret. But, thank God it's over!!!

So, how are things really going 7 months after?????? Really really good! As I indicated in my 5 month post, things were going well considering how much transition we were in. But they were difficult. Now, I can honestly say that things are going so incredibly well. So many families told us that it would take 5-6 months for the dust to really truly settle so that we could feel like a normal family. That was right on target for us as well. Right around 5 months, things took a turn for the better, especially with Yosef.

Yosef was the most difficult of the four to help adjust. When school started, it really seemed to interrupt the bonding that had begun to take place, particularly between him and me. I was starting my job as a teacher, so I had to go to work for two weeks before he started school, while I left the four kids with a babysitter. During that time, he became sooooo moody and would get angry with me for days on end with absolutely no catalyst that I could see. His mood would just suddenly shift for no apparent reason. He would ignore me for days and refuse to look at me or touch me or talk to me. I kept telling myself to just be patient, that this was normal, that it would get better, that it was my responsibility to love him and care for him unconditionally even if things didn't get better.

Right after I wrote my 5 month post, things took a turn for the worst! He started getting really really angry with me and would refuse to talk to me. It was seriously as though I didn't exist unless he needed food or clothing. Even then he would barely acknowledge me. It wasn't as though I had punished him or asked him to do something he didn't like. It seriously happened for absolutely no tangible reason. It was evident that he had either consciously or subconsciously made the decision that while he liked me, he absolutely would not bond with me or accept me as his mother. It was evident to Avery and me and also to those who are close to us and saw our family interacting. What made it worse is that he could be in the worst mood you've ever seen just because I was present in the same room with him. But the moment somebody he liked came along, he was all smiles as though it was the best day of his entire life. As soon as that person left, the thundercloud returned. The moodiness was very much targeted directly at me and very much not at other people. I couldn't help but to start feeling a little bit hurt by all of this since I was so much on the receiving end. The only time that anybody other than me received this from him would be when Avery put his foot down and made him stop talking so ugly to Mom. Then he would be mad at Avery too. Which really was just about being mad at Mom!

So, we began to pray for direction from God. As I prayed, I realized that there was an issue of misplaced boundaries in my relationship with him. Every healthy relationship needs to be part give and part take. Even parent/child relationships. However, in my relationship with Yosef, I was the one doing all of the giving and he was doing all of the taking. I took care of his every need because I am his mother and I love him. I made sure he was cared for and comfortable in every aspect. My hope was that he would feel loved and safe and that my mothering of him would let him know that he could love me back as his mother. But it just wasn't happening. Instead, he was reaping all of the benefits of having a mother, even unconditional love. But he was accepting zero responsibility to be an active participant in that relationship. The more I showed him love, the more he was pulling away in increasing measures.

So, the problem that God helped me to see was that Yosef was the person in our relationship who was refusing to participate, but I was the one reaping all of the consequences from that decision while he continued to reap all of the benefits of having a mother. It became very clear to me that we needed to find a means so that he would be the one to experience the consequences from not participating in this relationship. And honestly, it was an issue of not participating in our family as well because wherever I was involved, he was not. So, if we were doing a family thing, he was present, but with a thundercloud hovering over his head. I knew that the boundaries needed to be shifted so that the consequences that I had to deal with would be transferred to him since he was the one making a decision that I had no control over. So, we prayed some more.

This is what we came up with. It seems horrible to some. But it was what we really felt God telling us to do. And our social worker thought it was a great idea too. She said that when she used to work in a group home for troubled kids, it's exactly what they used to do with them. We decided that the area where Yosef would feel the biggest consequence would be in his TV and computer time. So, the consequence for not being nice to Mom was that he could not use the TV or computer. The reward for being nice to Mom is that he could use those things. The TV and computer now operated on a point system. He had to have 15 points to use the TV or computer for 30 minutes. Or, if the family was watching a movie, 15 points would buy him an entire movie. Each time he was actively nice to Mom by his own initiative, he earned 1 point. Each time he responded nicely to Mom's initiative, he earned 1 point.

So, we wrote out 6 ways that he could be nice to Mom in order to earn a point. Also, we explained that when Mom hugged him and he hugged back, he could earn a point. When Mom talked to him and he responded nicely, he could earn a point. etc. At first, he was so mad about this system that he wouldn't even read the paper. Then, he was missing his TV and computer, so he read it, but he refused to participate. For a couple of days, he just chose to go outside while the other kids watched TV. On a Saturday, we announced that we were going to have a family movie night that evening, which all of the kids love. But Yosef could only watch if he had 15 points. It was 5:00 that evening and he still didn't have a single point. I had even tried to orchestrate times in which he could be nice, but he would not. The other kids were telling him nice things he could do, but he would not. We were at a mini-golf range and he had an incredibly large thundercloud following him around because he knew that the movie was going to start when we got home and he still didn't have a single point. All of a sudden, when he thought nobody was looking, he picked up my golf ball and moved it closer to the hole where I would have a straight shot. The cute little guy was showing me love by cheating for me at mini golf! Forget the ethics of not cheating. He got a point! (And we told him he couldn't cheat anymore!)

He wanted to watch the movie badly enough that he earned all 15 points by the time we got home. He was completely insincere in his displays of love toward me. But I really believed that if he would just open himself up to the possibility of truly attaching to me that things would change. Even if his "love" was insincere at first and motivated purely by TV and computer. Things continued on like this for a couple of weeks with Yosef constantly keeping track of his points and doing things for me purely for the purpose of earning a point. Conversations went like this:

Yosef: "I love you Mom."
Me: "I love you too Yosef."
Yosef: "I have another point!"

We really questioned whether this was a good system or not! It didn't really seem to be working. There was no true attachment going on. The "love" was completely motivated by a desire for TV and computer. But we felt like this was the strategy God had given us, so we continued.

After about 3 weeks, Yosef started to do nice things without thinking about it and he would forget to keep track of his points. I did not forget though. I always pointed out when he earned another point because I wanted him to see when he had done something good and also to get the reward. A couple more weeks went by and a real emotional bond was beginning to form. The point system had become more of a game. And the affection was real. He was no longer ignoring me as though I was invisible. He was starting to really bond with me. Right now, I can honestly say that he is well into attaching to me. It has created so much more peace and normality in our entire family.

Attachment really does happen on a continuum. It happens that way with all people, not just adopted children. The longer we walk in relationship with somebody, the more attached we become. Yosef really lights up my heart now. I was helping him with homework last week and he just stood there resting his hand on my leg with his arm around me the entire time, so naturally and so relaxed. Just two months ago, his whole little self would go completely rigid at even the suggestion of having to touch me! We talk now. As in, he talks too. In real conversations. Not just Yosef responding with a yes or no to my talking. And he's nice to me. He doesn't get into these moods that last for days at a time where he won't even look at me.

There is still work to be done. But it doesn't feel like fighting an uphill battle now. We're working on attachment with a willing participant now. This is just one more time when God has been so incredibly faithful to our family.

Mihret continues to do quite well with relatively few problems. She's been attached to us from the beginning and continues to progress on that continuum I wrote about. Kaitlyn and Lucas also continue to do well with a new brother and sister. All four of them are begging us to adopt again, which I think is a good sign!

Lucas still continues to heal from his burn. The scar on his right arm is continuing to form and he is losing some mobility in his shoulder. However, we continue to do the massage therapy where we have to apply pressure to the scar and rub it with lotion three times each day. The hope is that doing this will break down the fibers in the scar as it forms so that it will not be a highly knotty scar that burn victims so often have, which is the cause of his lost mobility. So far, the therapy is not working. But we continue to do it. Please pray for Lucas, as this is quite painful for him. But it has to be done. The doctor has ordered him a special shirt that he will wear everyday. It will squeeze his burn very tightly, putting constant pressure on those fibers as the scar forms. Also, he will be wearing a sheet of medical grade silicone underneath that shirt. There is no medical explanation, but many patients see significant reduction in scar tissue when silicone treatment is used. Most of the burn on his back continues to regenerate actual skin. It still doesn't exactly look like skin. But it takes up to a year for a burn patient to grow new skin. The outside edges of the skin on his back truly look like skin again. God's healing is so evident in this little guy.

Emotionally, Lucas has really handled his burn so well. The burn on his arm and shoulder sometimes shows when he wears his school uniform. But I discovered this week that Lucas isn't bothered when the kids in his class ask about why his skin looks like that. He told them that it is a monster alien that lives on his shoulder to survive and in turn, gives him super powers. He thinks he's hysterical. Sometimes, he pulls his sleeve up just a little bit so that he can scare one of the boys in his class with his monster alien. He did tell me last night when I was rubbing it that he hopes God will heal it and make it all gone though. We continue to pray for him with the faith of our 5-year-old as an example of what real faith looks like.

Yosef, Lucas, and Mihret are all on a YMCA soccer team and are all real stars on their team. Yosef has really caught the attention of so many people. This kid is seriously really good. We've had two challenge team coaches talk to us to recruit him. Now is definitely not the time, as he still is struggling so much in school. But, the kid really does show real promise in soccer.

Well, this post must end, as it is nearly 8:00AM and I hear four little people out of their beds....possibly destroying the upstairs of our house from the sounds of things!

5 Months Home!

We have been home with Yosef and Mihret for five months now, and quite honestly, things are going much better than I expected. This is not to say that we have not gone through lots of difficult adjustment, and continue to go through it. But, I was prepared for things to be much harder. All four kids have really settled into their positions/roles in our new little family. Kaitlyn is absolutely thriving, moreso than ever before. Lucas is still very much the baby of the family. For a while, that was really tough, as Mihret is the baby of her family and I had two babies fighting for that position. But alas, Mihret has decided she would rather be my big girl, my sweet girl, and my little helper.


Mihret has done wonderfully with bonding with all of us. She went through a short time where she was really grieving her Ethiopian Mommy. But in her grief, she reached out for me to comfort her. Poor darling asked me one night why I never let her call her Ethiopia Mommy on the telephone like I do her Ethiopia Grandmother. Confused, I told her that her mommy had died ( a fact that she knows all too well). She said, "Yes, but why you not let me call her?" That's when I realized that she just assummed that there are telephones in Heaven! I explained that there are not phones in Heaven, but I really don't think she believed me! :)

Yosef has struggled the most, as would be expected since he is older. We have had some very difficult days and weeks with him. And yet, things are not as bad as they could be. We continue to pray, asking God to enable us to take care of this little guy. And quite honestly, God has been very faithful to help us to know what to do at just the right moments. We've been very blessed to know what strategies will work with him to help guide him through these uncharted waters. Also, school started 6 weeks ago and he has really struggled, as I expected. We have placed him in fourth grade. While he is older than his classmates, he is the same size and fits in quite well. All of teachers and kids absolutely love him. He can be very charming! But he struggles accademically. He does try very hard though. He always does all of his work and has very good behvior for his teacher, so we are very proud of him. His English is getting better and better, so I know that he will not struggle forever. Oh yea, we go to a performing and visual arts school, so he's decided to learn to play drums! My poor ears! :)

Mihret is doing quite well in school. She is actually at the top of her class in first grade! Her teacher is such an incredible blessing. She is South African and has a daughter who was Mihret's age when she came to the US. So, she has lots of compassion and understanding for what this transition is like. Also, she feels such an affinity with Mihret, calling her "my little African sister." Though she did have to send Mihret to my classroom to calm down yesterday. It seems that the kids tried to tell the teacher that she is "African American" because she is brown like them. The teacher said that not all brown people are African American and that she is just plain "African" because she is from Africa. The children argued with her. Mihret chimed in saying that, "No! Mrs. Jita is African, just like ME!" The kids argued with her and Mihret yelled at them, then started crying because she was so mad at them! She's very proud to be African, and I know this has been reinforced by having an African teacher. I'm actually quite glad for this. But geesh! She's awfully tiny and quiet to have gotten so feisty!

Lucas loves school and continues to heal from his burns. He doesn't go back to the burn center until October. The large scar on his lower back is leaving very minimal scaring. The tissues continue to regenerate, and I think that it is actually going to be mostly skin, not a scar, though it may not have any pigment to it. The large and most sever burn on his shoulder is developing a very thick, pitted scar. The kid is taking it so well though! Where some might feel ugly or self conscious, Lucas feels quite proud of his scar. You see, through his shirt, he feels that the raised appearance makes him look like he has a really big muscle that will enable him to kill a bear! He's so cute. :)

Kaitlyn is thriving at this arts school. She is the main reason I wanted to teach here. This is so up her alley. Her little creative heart is being so nurtured and encouraged and instructed here. She's doing so well in all of her subjects minus the frustration of being forced to shut off her creative side.

Life is certainlyl busy and tiring when you're a working Mom, as many of you already know from experience. But we are getting the hang of it, slowly.

I leave you with some pics! Enjoy!

Friends at the Fourth of July!

Yosef taking good care of his "carria", or peppers. He's very proud of them!

Grandma (Avery's Mom) with her girls.

Yosef's first glimpse of the ocean. If you think that adopting older children means missing out on all of life's "firsts" just look at this little face as it experiences yet another "first"!

Mihret's first glimpse. Can you say DISBELIEF????

For the record, no children have suffered from a broken limb...yet!
The First Day of School! 6:00AM...sleep....
Lucas insisted on a picture with just him and his "mama" He cried when I had to leave him...which made me cry....several days in a row.....thankfully, it's better now. :)

Severely Burned Ugandan Child

The following is a public letter from World Help, an organization committed to feeding hungry children throughout the world. Last year, our family had the blessing of hosting two of World Help's sponsored children who are currently on tour with a Children of the World choir to raise awareness and funds for children who are not yet sponsored. Oliviah from Uganda and Sowmya from India stayed with us and were both such preciouus little girls. This letter concerns a Ugandan child who was severely burned recently. My little Lucas was burned quite badly this past spring and was very sad for this Ugandan child. He is going to write her a letter because he knows the pain she is experiencing. It reminds me of a sweet little boy in Texas who sent my Lucas an email and called him on the phone because he too had been burned quite badly and wanted Lucas to know that the burns do indeed get better in time. God used that little boy's wounds to help my Lucas heal. And now God is giving my Lucas a chance to allow his wounds to be used to reach out to little Dorothy. Won't you reach out to her too?

Thank you for partnering with World Help through your gifts and prayers. Together we are impacting millions of lives around the world, both now and for eternity.

We recently received word from our partner in Uganda of a terrible accident involving one of our sponsored children. Ten-year-old Dorothy was lighting a lamp when she spilled kerosene on herself and was burned by the flames. She suffered third degree burns over 20-30% of her body including her face, chest, arms and down her body.

Dorothy was immediately rushed to the hospital where she remains today. Recently a World Help staff member was in the area and able to check on her, and what she found is heartbreaking. Even after her initial treatment, Dorothy was still in excruciating pain, covered in severe burns and open wounds across the front of her body. While she is beginning to heal, her recovery will involve several surgeries and painful procedures. Undeterred, Dorothy is anxious to return to school and has hopes of becoming a teacher one day. Please pray for her full recovery as she perseveres through this trying time.

We have committed to pay all of Dorothy’s medical expenses and provide full support through her recovery. In her honor, World Help’s Child Sponsorship Program has begun a Medical Emergency Fund to use in cases like these where immediate medical action is necessary. If you would like to contribute to this cause, click here to make a secure online donation, or call our office at (800)-541-6691.

Thank you again for your continued support. You are truly providing help and hope, and together we are making a difference!

Vernon Brewer, President

Photos!

I cannot find the cable to connect the camera to the computer yet, but I'll share some that were taken before Lucas went into the hospital in May. This first one was taken at our church when we had a special celebration and day where we dedicated all four of our children to God, vowing to raise them in the love and knowledge of Him. As you can see, they were all a little bit shy standing in front of our church!

Truly, I have two babies and this picture proves it. They are both sooooo snuggly! I love it!

This was taken at a baseball game right after Mihret didn't get her way. This is the "I just got told no" position. We see it A LOT! LOL

This photo was taken right after we finally convinced Yosef and Mihret that it wasn't really cotton, but that it was made out of sugar and they really could eat it. I can't believe that I used to actually like this stuff!

My sweet little Lucas. Love that dimple!

Does this look like a crew that would ever fight or squabble?!?!?

Girls, Girls, Girls

Me, my girls, and my dear friend, Abeba

My family with my dear friend, Rosa

Kaitlyn braiding Mihret's hair and Mihret braiding her doll's hair...how much time I would save if Kaitlyn could actually do a nice job on braiding this girl's hair! Ahhh...I braided it tonight and I'm down to just one hour on a simple braid job that will last a week.

I'm Still Alive!!!

That's right- I am still alive! I know that many of you probably thought that I had dropped off the face of the earth. But I am still right here in my nice little house with my wonderful, ever patient husband, and four energetic little munchkins!

I have found that having four children means that I have much less time for things like this blog! Hence the lack of new posts. Additionally, I started my new teaching job two weeks ago, so my time is even more limited than ever before. Starting on August 1, all four children will be in school with me. I'll be glad for that because right now I am missing them like crazy while I'm at work getting the classroom ready for the students. I'd be lying though if I claimed that I didn't enjoy the change of scenery just a little bit. But I am definitely ready to receive all of those dirty, sweaty, sticky little hugs at the end of the day!

So, it's been four months now since Yosef and Mihret came home to our family in America from Ethiopia. Would you believe that we're already thinking of adopting again?!?! (Only on my good days....or maybe they're my crazy days....hmmmmm). Things are feeling more and more settled all the time. The children had a spell where there was lots of fighting as all four of them were trying to figure out what their roles and positions were supposed to be in this new configuration. But it seems that everybody has found their places for the most part.

Lucas is still my cuddling, snuggly little rambunctious boy and also the baby in every sense of the word. Those of you who aren't youngest children will understand exactly what this means! Mihret wants to be the baby, but realizes that she's honestly just more mature than that, though she's more than willing to shower me with affection any time day or night. Kaitlyn is realizing that having a sister has not lived up to her fantasy where the girls never fought and always played so nicely together. But, in her realization, she's also found some acceptance of this fact and is now moving on into reality. She spends more time playing by herself without Mihret than she did at first, which helps her so much with being patient and understanding. The girls often get along really nicely, and the other half of the time they bicker back and forth. So, I guess they're truly sisters! And Yosef is definitely the oldest in every sense of the word. He's such a sweet and funny little kid. He's had to be the man of the family before, so it's sometimes hard for him to be a kid. But, mostly he's just a great little boy who loves and coddles and humors and also teases his little brother and sisters. And Avery and I have learned that our house definitely needs to have more structure now that there are four of the little guys running around. We do more things "assembly line style" now and tend to have a routine for just about everything. But as the kids are learning the routine, they're falling into line more and more. Our house is definitely not chaotic for the most part, though we do have our days. Mostly though, things are running smoothly. Everybody is getting their fair share of individual attention and at night we breath a sigh of relief when everybody is quietly tucked in to bed and we can sit back and relax with each other. Life is good. I am so blessed by these children who call me "Mommy." What more could I ask for?

Lucas is healing very well from his burn this past May. He will definitely not need a skin graft and we are so thankful to God for this. The only concern is that a scar does not continue to grow with a child's growing body the way skin does. It merely gets stretched out as the child grows. His deepest scars are on his shoulder and the doctors are concerned that he is not developing enough excess scar tissue. Without adequate excess, the scar will become stretched very tight as he grows bigger and limit mobility in his shoulder. The only thing we can do is to massage the scar in order to try to stretch it while it's still forming. This is a very painful thing for Lucas and he screams in pain when we do it. Not a pleasant thing. Honestly, I need to do it more than I do because as painful as it is now, it's better than losing mobility in his arm later. Aside from that, he is doing so good. He's able to swim and be outside as long as he's wearing his special SPF shirt that a very precious family sent him.

Mihret is such a good little girl. We had problems at first with her testing the limits and not obeying. But once she understood the boundaries and the consequences, she fell into line. She still tries to test us, but what kid doesn't?! She loves to help me. Today we spent some time at my school because Avery was fixing some of my broken student desks. I was putting up bulletin boards while he worked and Mihret was just such a good helper with handing me tape, boarders, etc. She's definitely grieving though. She was about 3 1/2 when her mother died and she remembers it well. All of her memories of her mother are very happy memories, aside from the memory of her mommy going to sleep at night and not waking up in the "good morning." My heart broke the night that she sat on my lap crying as she told me about that sad morning when her mommy did not "stand up in the good morning." She has no memory of her mother not being sick in bed. But she must have been an amazing woman because both of the children love her so much and have told me so many stories about how she was funny and sang songs with them and played with them. But I know that grief is necessary if there is to be healing and I am so thankful that she is turning to me in her grief instead of shutting me out. I know that God will heal her little heart.

Kaitlyn is dying with anticipation right now for school to start. She is the entire reason that I even considered teaching at this school. It is a school for the arts and they are truly top notch. When we have gone to see their performances, I honestly felt like I had cheated the system because they didn't charge me anything to come in. Kaitlyn will be taking ballet classes as part of the curriculum along with art classes, dance, music, theater, and chorus. And the arts are also integrated into the academic curriculum. This is so right up her alley. I really think that she will thrive in this environment. I'm excited for her!

Yosef is doing well, though he's having a little bit of a hard time with certain aspects of the culture here in America. Namely, the respect that Americans give to women is very hard for him to understand and submit to. Most days are okay. But some days he just really struggles to respect women in general, but especially me. This is requiring lots of clear boundaries about what is expected of him and Avery has really had to enforce this on my behalf. The little guy has some deeply ingrained misogyny that has been passed down both generationally and culturally to him. Truly, we recognize that while we must set clear boundaries for him in this, only God can change a heart. So, together, we pray for our little son that God will give him a heart towards women that matches His own heart towards women. When Yosef isn't struggling with this, he's such an affectionate little guy with me. It took some work and time, but he is bonding well with me. I love it when he wakes up in the morning and says, "Why you not hug me today, Mom?!" and looks overly hurt until I hug him. Or when I pray for him in his bed at night and he grabs me around my neck and tries to not let go so that I will stay with him. Those are the moments that make all the struggle worth it.

God has been very good to us in all of this transition. In the moments where we have been just truly lost as to what to do, God has made it somehow okay. We have had dear friends support us and pray for us in this. I still cannot believe that we have experienced first-hand the miracle of childbirth AND the miracle of adoption! Both are miracles. A child coming into a family is a miracle. And we have been blessed to have experienced four miracles! And I honestly believe in my heart of hearts that there are more little miracles out there in the world not in need of a family yet, but sometime in the not-so-distant future, they will be waiting for us. So, now that I'm working, we need to first buy a newer van than the 198,000 mile van that we currently have. Then, we're going to start saving money for the next adoption.

This one will probably not be from Ethiopia, as I think the law now states that you can't have more than 5 kids in the family to adopt from Ethiopia. If we adopt more than one, then we'd be ineligible and I really want to adopt another sibling set that is less likely to find a family. Just as my heart has been drawn to Ethiopia, my heart has also been drawn to Uganda. But, Uganda has a requirement that you be a resident for 3 years prior to adoption. Would you believe that the very same day that I found out about Ethiopia's new restrictions, I found out that Uganda had lifted the residency requirement? I believe that my future children are in Uganda with their still-living mother. Time will tell...

I wish I could leave you with some pictures, but I can't find the cable to connect my camera to my computer! I will try to update soon though because my kids are sooooooooo cute! :) Yes, I'm a little biased.