Friday, June 23, 2006

Muzeikayae- "My Music"

I made my pants myself- Can you tell?!?!
Originally uploaded by Heather Ababa.
A big thanks to my new adoption friend, Tammy in California for turning me on to Aaron Shust's new song, "My Savior, My God." I spent this morning figuring out how to play it, and I must say, I'm hooked. It's one of those songs that perfectly expresses where I am in relation to God at this moment. It just kind of puts it all into perspective. That's what God does with songs like this- He makes them songs that I can sing to Him to express my heart. He makes them muzeikayae- my music. (Click on the title of this post to listen to Aaron Shust's new hit song for free.)

I can't understand why my children aren't home with me tonight. I can't understand what God has planned in all of this. But I do know that even if my children never come home, that God is still good and He is still sovereign. I know that "my Savior loves, my Savior lives, my Savior's always there for me."

A few months ago, I was at such a low point in this adoption. There was political stuff happening in Ethiopia, and my biggest fear was that my children would never come home. My heart absolutely couldn't bear the thought of that. It was possibly one of the lowest points in my life. One day though, I was crying out to God in utter desperation, trying to understand why He would put it in our hearts to adopt, only to bring us to this point of uncertainty. The thought occurred to me, if not to God, where else would I go? What if God had led us through what was turning out to be a very dark valley? I know what it is to live with a heart that doesn't know how to trust God. I could never go back to that. So, where else could I run but to God? So, I have turned to Him with my aching heart. He comforted me that day with a verse from the book of Isaiah in a version of the Bible called "The Message." The 43rd chapter in Isaiah says this:

"So don't be afraid; I'm with you. I'll round up all your scattered children, pull them in from east and west. I'll send orders north and south, 'Send them back. Return my sons from distant lands, my daughters from far away places. I want them back, every last one who bears my name..."

So, with a heart that desperately aches to kiss all four of my children, I turn to God on my good days, my bad days, my angry days, the days when I can't stop crying, and the days when I'm frustrated beyond belief. I turn to God and He is always there for me. "My God He was, my God He is, my God is always gonna be..." He knows what it feels like to grieve for your children who are so far away from you, yet so close to your heart. He is the one who will round up my son and my daughter. He is the one who will send the order to bring them home. God is always good and always sovereign.

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