Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Tamanyuh- "Faithful"

Still no adoption-related news. Last week our agency said that the country-rep had to pick up a letter saying that the agency had been relicensed. Then she had to take that letter to the courts. Then she would be able to request courtdates. We haven't heard anything though. I'm hoping that she at least has the letter by now. I'm really hoping that we receive news of at least a little bit of progress by the end of the week. I really hope I can put a cool ticker on my blog soon that is counting down the days until our courtdate. Then an even cooler ticker to count down the days until we travel to Ethiopia to bring our kids home!

I have really been keenly aware of God's love for me lately. This adoption has been so hard in so many ways. I'm definitely not the same person that I was when we started this almost 2 years ago. For the past 16 months since we accepted the referral for Yosef and Mihret I have been in an absolutely helpless position where two of my kids are concerned. That's not exactly a position I'm used to being in! I have a real mother-bear spirit inside of me that tends to come out where my children are concerned. But this time, there's nothing I can do. I tend to have a very feisty spirit too. One of my good friends, an older lady I know, says that I have a real "fire ball" inside of me. And yet again, there's not a thing that I can do with my feisty spirit this time. All of this has made me feel so helpless which makes me feel even more feisty. And feeling more feisty makes me feel even more helpless when I once again remember that there's not a thing I can do to help my kids. You know, like a caged lion that paces around for a while, then gives up and lies down. Then he gets agitated again so he gets up and roars real loud and paces some more. Only to give up again. That's how I have felt!

It's in the "giving up" that I have felt God's love, perhaps more than I ever have before. Giving up feels like I'm letting go of my children. Giving up feels like I'm letting go of a piece of my heart. And maybe I am. It's definitely easier for me to spend all of my time trying to think up different ways that my kids might be able to come home. But even if I came up with some genius plan, reality says that there is nothing I can do. At least if I'm wracking my brain for an answer I feel like I'm doing something. Yet the truth is that there's nothing I can do this time. So in knowing this, I've come to a place where I have given up. It's not a bad thing though. For my own sanity I have had to accept that God is God and I am not. God is sovereign over Ethiopia, over my children, over the adoption industry, and over me too. Regardless of what answers I am or am not getting from the seemingly hundreds of people in charge of this adoption, God has the final say. I have come to a place where I understand that. I understand that sometimes hearts do get broken. I understand that perhaps my heart will be broken. Or worse yet, that Yosef and Mihret's hearts might get broken. But I don't think so.

But even if this adoption never happens, I've come to a place where I really can trust God in this. I can trust that He is sovereignly in control of the universe and I am not even in control of my own life! Much less the affairs of nations! He has given me so much peace in my heart these past several months. It's a peace that I couldn't achieve on my own. When we had our social worker come to our house recently to do an update to our homestudy, she commented that we seemed so laid-back about all of the problems we're having. I don't mean to seem like I don't care! And for a long time we were anything but laid-back about this adoption. And we're not really laid-back now. I feel very passionate where injustice for orphans is involved. And I think it's a definite injustice that two kids are growing up in an orphanage when they have a family who desperately wants them. But I understand that my only hope in this is God.

He is the only thing that has been constant throughout this process. He is the only place where I have always been able to turn for answers. He is the only one who has been able to give my heart any measure of peace. He is the only one who could have put us together with so many incredible people who so faithfully pray for us! He is the only one who could know exactly when I need a friend to stop by the house to hug me and cry with me without me having to ask. He has shown me just how faithful He is. Tamanyuh.


Chanda said...

I'm so sorry you still don't have your babies with you. It has been such a long road for you.

I love the new look of your blog! I can't wait until your two Ethiopian kiddos are included in that photo montage!

Dawn and Joe De Lorenzo said...

I just came across your blog for the first time and I love the honesty of this post. Thank you for sharing. Having faith and leting go has been the HARDEST part of our journey. I disappointed myself many times that I was not able to give it over to God. I know that He was at work in my life and striving to teach me to rely on Him above all. I can't say I did it with 100% grace, but thank goodness HE knows my heart.